Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
