If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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