smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
