dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In other news, I just burned my penis
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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