you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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