I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
