The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
