last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Someone shattered a urinal.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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