guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
