i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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