which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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