hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
