Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize