Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
50% drunk capacity currently
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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