apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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