I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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