I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
