I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
