my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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