I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
