Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
