considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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