They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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