Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
