We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
