It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
