Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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