I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
