I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
