I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
