Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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