For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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