I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
