My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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