In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
