Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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