Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I supernannyed him into submission
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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