I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize