Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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