I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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