all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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