I love black thongs
someone threw a dead crab at me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we should paint friendship bongs
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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