I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
