My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
