Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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