i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
