I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
