matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
