I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize