I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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