She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
