I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize