My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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