So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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