you guys were way drunker than both of me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
