I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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