all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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