Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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