I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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