One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
